Success in our failure

Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.
Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.

AUSTRALIA is celebrating its lowest cricket Test score in more than a century as it battles to regain its place as a sporting minnow.

For years Australia was a world superpower in tennis, golf, swimming, athletics, cricket and rugby.

This was considered too much pressure for a small country and athletes have been under intense pressure recently to lose more often.

This is showing signs of working with the country falling out of the main Davis Cup group, surrendering its swimming dominance, failing to win the Rugby World Cup and becoming one of the lowest-ranked cricket teams.

The national cricket team was bundled out for 47 runs in the second innings in South Africa, with the tailenders scoring the most runs.

Australian captain Michael Clerk said he was happy his side was doing its bit to take Australia back to mediocrity.

"It was certainly one of the most spectacular failures I have been involved with and I will cherish the memory for many years," he said.

"Not only did we manage to live up to low expectations but none of the players suffered any sunburn or tired legs from being on the paddock and scoring actual runs."

Australian Association of Sport chairman Max Armchair said the country should not be too hasty in claiming minnow status.

"To be truly recognised as a sporting failure I think we will need to look to the Olympic Games and be confident we can return with no gold medals and bronze medals only in obscure European sports," he said.

Mr Armchair said he was also concerned that some of our young golfers occasionally looked capable of winning.

"We can only hope that this is beginner's luck and they start putting on weight and hitting balls into the water," he said.

Psychologist Peter Pointless said it was important for Australia to lower its expectations around sporting performance.

"At the moment we get too upset when we lose," he said.

"What we should be doing is losing well, often and in spectacular style."

Australians blame Prime Minister Julia Gizzard for the cricket team's collapse.

Ordinary punter Bill said the team's performance was not good enough and the government needed to do something about it.

"I'm really not sure what the Prime Minister did but I expect her fingerprints are all over it somewhere," he said.


Thirsty Cow is fiction. It exists purely to fill space and promote public discussion of issues with little actual importance and dubious veracity.

Topics:  humour humour column opinion thirsty cow

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