Dear Business, how do I succeed as a woman?
Dear How Do I: Business?
I'm a 30-year-old woman who's run a tool import business since I was 25.
I'm earning six-figures at the moment but seeing that there's only one woman in cabinet and only seven women on the latest BRW rich list it makes me wonder.
How do I make it big as a woman in business?
It is sad that there aren't as many women capable of achieving cabinet or business success and it's something we're all hoping women can fix.
In terms of advice, following some simple rules should have you in the board room in no time.
Be serious, but not too serious or you're a bitch.
Be friendly, but not too friendly or you're a flirt.
Be ambitious, but not too ambitious or you're a threat.
Be well-dressed, but not too well-dressed or you're a tease.
Be connected, but not too connected or you're sleeping your way up the ladder.
Be demonstrative, but not too demonstrative or you're over-emotional.
Be co-operative, but not too co-operative or you're weak.
Also, be sure never to complain about how men treat you in the workplace. Not only will everyone see you as the problem but you'll be derailed within seconds by a helpful male pointing out that men get harassed too.
Besides, men were there first.
If all else fails, here's a recipe for a dozen cupcakes.
While this column is always satirical this specific one is also heavily misogynistic. If you hold any of the opinions expressed above, please seek help.