Bach fave’s hysterical walkout fails

 

Despite our finest efforts to facilitate a contestant's escape from The Bachelor mansion on Thursday night, her walkout is thwarted when she's busted and producers force her to return to a date that can only be described as complete rubbish.

With a poorly-executed take-down book-ending the evening, it's truly a night of disappointment and let-down. Welcome to The Bachelor.

READ ALL THE JAMES WEIR RECAPS HERE

Matt basically isn't into Helena and he doesn't understand why he's not because she's a total babe and his lack of attraction to her is very confusing. So he invites her on a date which somehow turns into a lame 15-minute advertisement for the sponsorship vehicle.

"It's a Ho-un-die!" he gushes before listing in detail all the features it comes with.

Ah yes. Ho-un-die. A fantastic vehicle.

I hope the car company is happy with that pronunciation because that is what we will be calling the vehicle from now on.

They drive the Ho-un-die to a farm where they are faced with a giant timeline that accurately details how long it feels like this episode is going on for.

Make it stahhhp.
Make it stahhhp.

This is a rubbish date. Like, more tedious than usual. They're forced to write things on the timeline and it's basically like having to flip back through your day planner to try figure out which bills you've already paid and which ones are overdue (answer: all of them. All of them are always overdue).

Helena starts freaking out over all the questions about their future and runs off behind some kind of shed. We can hear her crying. She's clearly overwhelmed.

"It's just question after question and I'm literally drowning. I'm freaking out a bit," she hyperventilates before slumping her body over a hay bail. "I'm sorry, I just need a moment. I've just got a bad feeling this might not end well."

We step in to help.

"Maybe you should leave this date in a dramatic exit and quit the show entirely without any explanation," we offer, picking straw out of her hair.

It's a brilliant idea - exactly the kind of drama we need to spice up a drab Thursday night episode. But our plans are thwarted when a producer finds us and ruins everything. It's disappointing. This walkout was promoted to look like Helena dumped both Matt and the show in a blaze of glory - running off, never to return. We had high expectations. We thought for sure she'd become so fed up with the crap date that she'd escape, steal the sponsorship Ho-un-die and drive off - leaving Matt stranded in a field with nothing but a camera crew and another mediocre cheese platter.

But just as we're revving the sponsorship Ho-un-die and yelling at Helena to jump in, the producer grabs her by the wrist.

"Why are you freaking out, I don't get it?" the producer huffs before dragging her back out into the field to complete the date.

"Oh f**k, it's just that there's a lot of pressure on this. I just don't wanna get my heart broken. I don't know. Like, I … I can't. I … I need to get out of here. I can't do this. I just … I can't. F**k," Helena sobs.

We drive alongside them in the Ho-un-die yelling at Helena to get the hell in, but it's no use.

Helena is marched back to Matthew and dunked into a bathtub.

It looks like the same copper tub from that infamously grotesque date between Richie and Alex Nation where they enjoyed an unfortunate-looking chocolate bath. Producers pulled the tub out for tonight's date, gave it a hose down and filled it up with murky water.

‘That better just be old chocolate in the water.’
‘That better just be old chocolate in the water.’

The following day, we're faced with a group date that is actually my worst nightmare: going to one of those Cork & Canvas art classes where a bunch of straight white girls paint rainbows and drink cheap wine. The only way I'd ever attend one of those is if I could just drink everyone's wine and then mock each individual's artwork in front of the class at the end.

Abbie's self portrait clearly indicates she thinks she resembles Angelica's doll Cynthia from Rugrats. It's a weird flex but we accept it because the end result is like a photograph.

If you think I’m abusing my Photoshop privileges right now, wait till the end of this recap.
If you think I’m abusing my Photoshop privileges right now, wait till the end of this recap.

Chelsea gets a bit confused with the task and doesn't paint a self portrait. Instead, she does a life drawing of me, a potato. The accuracy is sobering.

This lifelike portrait will appear on the front my funeral pamphlets.
This lifelike portrait will appear on the front my funeral pamphlets.

Elly is still bitter about that thief Abbie stealing her date card last night. Abbie has shown zero gratitude and Elly pledges to take her down. Only - because it's Elly - she's too sweet to execute a proper take-down, so she just quietly sighs about her disappointment to the other girls while they all wait for Matt to arrive at tonight's cocktail party.

She really wants some alone time with him and her disappointment about last night has lit a fire under her. She puts her foot down and declares to everyone that she will be the first one to chat with Matt tonight. Getting even more worked up, she sits Abbie down for a confrontation. Only, because it's Elly, it's not a real confrontation - she just whispers something about her feelings being hurt.

"It would've been really nice if you put me first," she stumbles. It's heartbreaking and we feel sorry for her but she has got to get some guts - she's not made for a show like this.

Elly makes it clear she will talk to Matt first and Abbie hears her loud and clear. So when Matt arrives, Abbie swoops in and steals him from Elly yet again.

Rats! It's almost like she doesn't care about Elly's hurt feelings! Ugh, it's almost like she's the show villain!

This pushes Elly over the edge. She's had it. "I'm pissed off!" she says, and that's a big thing for her to say.

Abbie needs to be brought down a peg. Elly sighs that she wishes she could just walk right over and interrupt Abbie's private time.

"Do it," the other girls encourage her.

Finally, Elly gets some guts. She hesitantly walks over to the pool fence and watches Abbie flirting with Matt. She takes a deep breath and makes her move.

"Matt, can I chat to you about … um … something important?" her voice wavers.

Ooh. Something important? Wow, it sounds important. How can Abbie argue with something of such importance?

Abbie doesn't say anything, but the look on her face is … vivid.

Wow Abbie looks really chic tonight.
Wow Abbie looks really chic tonight.

Despite Abbie arching her very angry eyebrows, Elly powers on and drags Matt away to reveal what's so important. This is it. It's the moment she can launch her take-down of Abbie and eradicate her from the mansion. But as we established earlier, Elly is too nice to execute a take-down so it just falls flat.

"I don't like talking ill about people. I just don't think Abbie's taking this thing very seriously," she whispers. "I don't know if she has the most pure intentions. She's convincing. She says she might be ready to move to Melbourne and start a family … but I don't think she's emotionally mature."

Well done, Elly. It's not the best take-down we've ever seen but, with experience and practice, you'll be white-anting colleagues and getting Myer sales assistants fired in the very near future.

Abbie's blatant lack of respect has really upset everyone tonight.

"I'm feeling pretty shit going into the rose ceremony. I did something really great for Abbie and she didn't do that back for me tonight," Elly sighs again.

As all the ladies line up for the ceremony, it's a sombre affair. They look drained and fed up.

Except for Abbie — I’ve never seen her so radiant.
Except for Abbie — I’ve never seen her so radiant.

Elly shouldn't be getting so swept up in the drama. She's safe. Obviously we're saying goodbye to the white girl obsessed with China.

Kristen is shocked when Abbie gets the final rose. She whips her head to the right to look at the liar who has been picked over her.

"Gǎo shénme guǐ!" she shrieks, which is Mandarin for "WTF!".

We run over and reach out to wipe the tear that's running down her cheek. Grabbing her by the shoulders, we take a deep breath in and look at her with pride and optimism.

"Qǐng chūqù lìjí," we beam at her.

That's Mandarin for, "Please get out immediately".

For more observations on being a two-faced bitch and looking like a potato, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir


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