Simone is eliminated by Matty J on The Bachelor.
Simone is eliminated by Matty J on The Bachelor. Channel 10

Bachelor recap: Dumped by Matty for going too far

JUST two weeks after having her past as a topless entertainer exposed on national television, one contestant on The Bachelor has tried to win Matty back with a desperate stunt that ended in tears.

Simone really can't catch a break.

And in an extremely lame game where Matty J is blindfolded and all the girls have to pin a heart on the part of his body they like the most, Simone goes and sticks hers firmly on his doodle.

I'm not going to crap on about gender role reversal and double standards and how this would be unacceptable if it was a bunch of boys doing it to a woman because I'm sure one of those opinionated bloggers with bright hair will do it tomorrow.

But it was one final bold, desperate attempt to try and get Matty's attention. And it failed.

Wednesday night also saw another deep, dark secret exposed.

Hint: A ranga is among us. And they're named, shamed and basically made wear a sandwich board with photographic proof of their past emblazoned on it.

But first, Laura scores a single date with Matty and they read their horoscopes.

The clue for today's date has something to do with astrology so, in the limo ride en route to the mystery location, we all share fun facts about our star signs.

Anyone who knows me knows I live my life by the horoscopes in Cosmopolitan.

"There may be drama at work this week," Cosmo warned me on Monday. And it's totally accurate - I'm a complete troll to work with so it makes sense there would be drama. "But there could also be some positive resolution," it continued. Again, it's right. I'm a brat until I get what I want, thus resulting in a positive resolution.

Laura exclaims that she's a Libra and I quickly scroll to the cartoon sheep head to see what mess her future looks like.

"The moon in your zone of travel and adventure until Wednesday prompts you to break out of your routine and do something spontaneous," it reads. It's currently Wednesday and they're travelling on an adventure to be spontaneous.

I have to stop now because this is all just getting too spooky.

Anyway, they arrive at some park to meet a psychic who looks like that scary little girl from The Ring.

Before you die, you see the ring.
Before you die, you see the ring. Channel 10

A psychic once told me my death will involve a college party bus and I honestly can't wait for that day because I'm desperate to see how that situation plays out.

The girl from The Ring lacks the pizzazz my psychic had and her reading is a snooze.

We move onto an observatory where Laura uses a telescope to try and locate a better date.

We literally watch them have an eye exam.
We literally watch them have an eye exam. Channel 10

This date has a weird Behind The News vibe about it.

"This star is about 150 light years away," the scientist in the Terry Irwin shirt says, noting the distance I wish I was away from this room.

Matty ends the date by surprising Laura with a star he's purchased and they get to name it. It's a sweet idea, but if I can't eat or wear your gift I'm really not interested.

Later on, over some wine, Matty admits he feels like Laura's not giving all of herself and he's right. She's one of those girls who tries to impress a boy by acting cool and breezy and spontaneous and peppering their sentences with words like "man".

It's an impossible character to maintain and that's coming from someone who tries to be the cool girl with every guy he meets. It feels amazing pretending to be into sports and swigging beer and not worrying about eating carbs. Pretending your neurosis isn't so bad that you spend literally a day analysing a comment your barista made and wondering if he hates you.

Eventually, being the cool girl becomes exhausting.

Two weeks into trying to impress a guy with your cool girl tendencies, your desire for clean bed sheets makes you snap. The crumbs that have apparently signed a six-month lease to reside on the kitchen bench spring you back into the high-strung witch you know you truly are and you end up starting an argument about how he uses soap as shampoo.

Cool girl can rack the F off because I need alone time and a clay mask.

You've been warned, Laura.

The following day, we head over to the mansion and it seems to have had a revamp.

Something out of House Rules.
Something out of House Rules. Channel 10

All the girls are on this group date - but Simone is still feeling sensitive. In the past two weeks, she's been attacked by another contestant and had her past as a topless waitress exposed in the process. On top of all of that, Matty's been ignoring her.

And then it gets worse. Simone is exposed as a ranga.

"There's a red head in the mix," Matty says, armed with baby pictures of all the girls.

This is a game changer. A topless past we can handle. A ranga we cannot. It's blatant deception.

"I'm not a closet red head! I've never had red hair! I'm not red down there!" she says defiantly.

She's then shamed into wearing a T-shirt with a photo of herself as a red-headed child emblazoned on the front. And then she eats a doughnut off the floor.

It's really not her day.

Big red.
Big red. Channel 10

For the next task, all the girls have to write down a meaningful childhood memory and Matty has to guess who they belong to.

For example, my childhood memory is that I wanted to be Denise Huxtable from The Cosby Show and tried giving myself her hair style by using wool as hair extensions.

A lot of the memories offered by the girls are lovely, whimsical tales involving flowers and the sea and lessons learned from wise grandparents.

Then we reach Simone's.

"I used to get called pancake face in school and now pancakes are my favourite food," her piece of paper reads.

Jesus.

Pancake Face is making things very difficult.

It's at this point this group date takes a weird turn.

Matty is blindfolded and made stand in front of the group. All the girls are then given a small paper heart and told to pin it on the body part of Matty they're most attracted to.

What your imagining will happen does happen.

Some go for his face and his eyes. One goes for his bicep. Two go for the butt.

And then Simone sticks her heart on Matty's doodle.

Boing
Boing Channel 10

 

I don't care enough to have strong opinions about this stunt, but I guess if Georgia Love was blindfolded last year on The Bachelorette and Lee pinned a paper heart to her vagina, there would've been outrage.

All the girls giggle and call Simone cheeky as she justifies her target.

"I chose his penis. I'm pretty pleased I made that decision. It's just a nice bulge," she says.

She then informs Matty: "When you wear your suit pants it just always points out."

Simone is swinging like a pendulum between caring too much and not caring at all. She knows Matty's not really interested so she just decides to start throwing crap at the wall in a desperate attempt to get him to notice her.

In the final task, Simone's mum back in Ireland manages to blatantly sabotage her daughter's chances in this competition.

Matty has asked the parents of each girl to send in a beloved item from their childhoods. He presents Simone with a well-worn pair of ballet shoes her mother sent in.

Simone has never seen the shoes in her life.

"I don't know anything about ballet. I never did it," she tells us with a blank face.

When Matty asks her to talk about their significance, she just makes it up.

"The whole conversation was a lie," she confides in us. "He's getting to know someone that's not me now. The whole thing is just a bloody mess."

It is a bloody mess. She knows it. We know it. And Matty knows it.

And at the rose ceremony, Pancake Face is given the flip.

For more observations on Cosmopolitan's horoscopes and clay masks, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir

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