Chef's just desserts
IF, LIKE me, the Swedish Chef is your favourite Muppet, you will be enthralled to discover that his bizarre culinary behaviour has been mirrored by a real-life Swedish chef.
Henrik Cui, who runs the Bamboo Mongolian Barbecue in Gothenburg, amazed diners when he ejected them from his restaurant for having the audacity to ask for dessert when they hadn't finished all of their dinner.
Shocked customer Danili Riquelme complained that the chef "went off the rails, told us all to go to hell and said he never wanted to see us again. My friend wasn't even allowed to finish his beer".
Mr Cui said he was incensed by waste at the all-you-can-eat buffet.
"I don't care if they have one plate or 10 plates, but I expect people to eat their food and not to waste it. Sit here all day if you like, but don't throw away food," he said. Miss Piggy would be so proud.
Meanwhile, over in New Zealand, two goldfish are being hailed as the hardiest survivors of February's earthquake in Christchurch.
The fish, named Shaggy and Daphne, were found this week, 134 days after the office building which houses their tank was declared off-limits. They had no food and there was no electricity to power their tank's filter.
There is one possible explanation for their incredible survival story. The tank originally contained six goldfish. By the time the survivors were found, no trace remained of three and a fourth was found floating in the tank.
And while we are discussing unlikely survival, morgue workers in the small Eastern Cape community of Libode, South Africa, fled the building in terror after a 50-year-old "corpse" woke up.
Two attendants believed they were being haunted by a ghost when the "dead man" sat up, screamed and demanded to be taken somewhere a little warmer.
It emerged that the man's family had contacted an undertaker to remove their relative who had shown no signs of life for 24 hours. But he had not been examined by a doctor and, to paraphrase Monty Python's dead parrot sketch, was merely resting.
Over in California, a 63-year-old man is reported to be stable after attempting to operate on a painful hernia by cutting open his stomach with a butter knife.
Thankfully his wife had the presence of mind to call for paramedics who managed to save him. Just so there is no confusion: "It is absolutely impossible for someone to fix their own hernia," said Glendale Adventist Medical Centre surgeon Sam Carvajal. So now you know.
It is also probably not advisable to hide in a chimney. The remains of Joseph Schexnider were discovered in the chimney of a bank in Abbeville, Louisiana, this week.
Mr Schexnider went missing 27 years ago. How he got there is a mystery as police say he is not suspected of trying to rob the bank and there were no signs of foul play.
And finally, a woman who needs 16 hours' sleep every day is suing for more than $50,000 compensation after she was forced to abandon her university course because she kept falling asleep during lectures.
Shelley Maxwell, 49, was studying military and international history at Salford University in northern England.
She's narcoleptic, which means she is prone to falling asleep at any time. Her case is that the university didn't do enough to help her and that she was the victim of disability discrimination.
Alternative Universe is a weekly humour column.