Rumours of a secret girlfriend and accusations of frigidness are hurled around at Married At First Sight's boozy dinner party on Wednesday, but none of these rumours are as a damaging or offensive as the sweeping statement one judgy wife makes about Queenslanders' haircuts.

It's honestly shocking. Sure, some Queenslanders say "pewl" instead of "pool" and, yes, it's weird, but we can't just write off an entire state for that.

Queenslanders having weird haircuts isn't even a thing. It's not a stereotype people talk about - like Sydneysiders being rude or Melburnians only wearing black. Queenslanders having terrible hair? It's almost as if this rude wife has never even heard of state treasure and hair salon baron Stefan.

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While everyone's getting ready for the dinner party, Jo's marching around the building and knocking on all the doors in search of her husband James. He has been gone all night.

It's cute that producers think we're invested in their storyline.We have more important things to deal with. We've been cracking the whip at the workers down in the rumour mill and, after days of toiling, they've finally produced the goods: Someone has a secret girlfriend outside the experiment.

We become less excited when we find out Bryce is the guy with the mystery gal, but at this point we'll take whatever scraps we can find.

Word gets back to him and he tries to play it cool in front of his wife Melissa by shrugging it off as he glides a lint roller over his jeans. It's the most exciting thing that's happened all season.

The hot new caveman Chris is still getting criticised by his wife Jaimie. What's with Jaimie? She's got more confidence than unnecessary letters in her name.

"He's got his … Queensland haircut," she huffs.

His hair really isn't that outrageous, Jaimie. That hi-vis dress you're wearing is more questionable. Stop picking on ya sweet husband and go direct some traffic.

Who does she think she is – The Sasshole?
Who does she think she is – The Sasshole?

At the cocktail party, the rumour is all anyone can talk about. They all break off into small groups around the warehouse and the whispers bounce off the hardwood floors and exposed brick. Bryce knows what they're all saying. And the big question everyone wants to know is: who started this rumour?

Two hints: It starts with "sass" and ends with "hole".

"Apparently Bec's the little shit stirrer," Bryce fumes to us, even though we already know this.

"She's got a real fascination with me. I know she's jealous that Lis (Melissa) is with me or what not. Like, hey, I'm a good looking bloke but Lis is the lucky one in the situation. What, is she trying to get me into bed or something? Well, it's not gonna happen, love, I'm sorry."

Yeah. Um. Literally no. To all of that.

Weird details about the rumour are now flying all around the room - something about a gym and a gift and a secret woman. Maybe this can be settled tonight in a civilised way where everyone approaches the issue from a place of mutual respect.

"You're not an avocado! Not everyone loves you!" The Sasshole screams at Bryce.

And with that, mutual respect is tossed out the window as the group is quickly herded into the dining room. To get to the bottom of this rumour, we're obviously going to need individual carafes of wine.

Line ‘em up.
Line ‘em up.

The Sasshole is holding court at the table and retells, for the third time, the gym story. Believe it or not, it's more boring than Heidi's government housing story from 2019.

She says she ran into Bryce at the gym and he started talking about the Hot Or Not list they had to compile a few weeks ago.

"You said, 'Oh, I don't wanna tell you where I put you, but I put you up on top of the attractions scale'," she shares. "And then you said, 'It'll be so easy to get to the end of this with Lis. She's easy to get along with'. And I was thinking, 'Why are you treating this like a game? Then you said that there's a girl on the outside and you had a friend here in Sydney … you said that friend was going back (to Canberra) and he asked if you wanted to buy a gift for this girl but you didn't wanna get caught so you didn't."

Good grief, that was tedious. It's around now we start wishing Cyrell was here so she could glass us.

Bryce reckons he can win this argument by pulling out this little gem: "Mate, sorry I met a girl on Tinder two months before coming here and slept with her a couple of times. Is that not allowed to happen? I've got no secret to hide. That ended four weeks before coming onto MAFS," he yells, looking around at everyone for cheers as if he's just won the game with a final-second slam dunk.

"Four weeks before coming on?" The Sasshole shrieks.

The cameramen keep doing cutaway shots to a humiliated Melissa as she slumps deeper into misery.

Cute choker though xx
Cute choker though xx

As with most things on this show, we don't get any answers or closure. The individual carafes of wine continue to be sucked back and all memory of the rumour kind of just fades away.

Jo's gotten to that point in the night where she thinks confronting people sounds like a good idea when it's absolutely not.

"James has been a liar! He's lied to me this whooole experiment! He lied to me about where he's been he never tells the truth. It's time for me to stand up for him!" she waves one arm around in the air.

We agree, her relationship is toxic. But this will only make matters worse. Someone needs to step in and tell her to take a breath, sleep on it, and approach her husband when her mind is clear. We hand her a fresh carafe of wine. "Do it," we say. "Confront him now."

Winning an argument is just 90 per cent arm flailing.
Winning an argument is just 90 per cent arm flailing.

Jo grabs Belinda by the wrist and drags her down to James to act as backup. She rattles off her laundry list of issues but it's the same ol' stuff she's been crapping on about to us for weeks. We look around the table to see who we can provoke into starting up the rumour again, but then Belinda comes and blime-fibes us.

"I've heard you've also been talking about me behind my back as well," she informs James. "Apparently I'm a frigid. You called me a frigid."

Oooh. Accusations of frigidness! This is much better than that boring rumour.

James makes a very important clarification. "No, I said, Is she. Is she a frigid?'"

Jo jumps in. "No, it wasn't a question. It was a statement - and you asked if she was a virgin."

Side note: When did Jo and Belinda become best pals? It's like one of those "unlikely animal friends" videos on YouTube where a duckling's sitting on the head of a crocodile and they're just shooting the breeze.

The crocodile and the duckling.
The crocodile and the duckling.

Anyway, Belinda takes the reins again. "You were also saying I push Pat's hand away when he puts his hand on my lap. I turn away his hugs. And I don't kiss him when he kisses me. To be honest, that word's very offensive and insulting to me. That word frigid is just absolutely disgusting. And false."

Clearly he didn't go to Stefan's.
Clearly he didn't go to Stefan's.

The fight's over, but that doesn't stop Pat jumping in and demanding James apologise, and this only encourages Jo to get in one more punch.

"You f**king sit here at the top of the table think that you're king d**k," she spits at her husband.

Actually, Jo - while we do sympathise with you - we must step in and correct: The phrase is actually "King Ding-A-Ling", as per Cyrell's' take-down of Sam at this very dinner table on February 24, 2019.

Still, we'll accept the sledge. James, you are definitely not King-Ding-A-Ling. Take that! Also, your hair looks like it was cut in Queensland.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Originally published as 'Disgusting' dis of MAFS wife's sex life


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