PRIME Minister Julia Gizzard is in crisis clothing talks following revelations that her outfits are made from cheap motel bedspreads.
Ms Gizzard is expected to cut short an overseas trip to personally oversee the crisis that threatens to bring her government unstuck and relegated her to the "relatives that nobody likes" table at the royal wedding.
Federal Cabinet will establish a style sub-committee to advise her on future clothing choices and several gay men will be enlisted to pick shoes.
A Government spokesperson said that Treasury was working on a seven-point clothing recovery plan for the Prime Minister that was expected to be included in this month's budget.
This followed widespread attacks on Ms Gizzard's fashion sense when she was standing in the Japanese tsunami disaster zone.
A leading horse trainer said the Prime Minister's outfit made her look like a villain from a Batman movie.
"It's hard for anyone to take notice of what she says when her clothes, hair and makeup are all wrong," she said.
"The economy can wait. This is a fashion emergency."
Independents, who hold the balance of power in Parliament, threatened to withdraw their support for the government if the Prime Minister's fashion sense did not improve.
"We signed up for a government with well tailored credentials and non-clashing colours," spokesman Rob Buckshot said.
"This whole situation threatens to drag us all down."
The Greens, who pride themselves on having no fashion sense, said they thought Ms Gizzard was very stylish. "But we mostly wear tweed jackets and khaki shorts so we may not be the best people to ask," leader Bob Frown said.
Polling showed that most voters regarded the Prime Minister's fashion sense as the fourth most important issue confronting Australia.
It was pipped only by cost of living, global warming and who would win the Gold Logie.
Around 30% of those polled said they would support a levy on rich people to help fund better clothes for the Prime Minister.
Opposition Leader Tony Abshot welcomed the fashion debate, hoping it would divert attention from pictures of him wearing Speedos.
"I think the Prime Minister should make a formal apology for her dress sense and make provision to compensate anyone who was traumatised by her black pants suit," he said. Mr Abshot denied the obsession with Ms Gizzard's clothes was sexist.
"In this country we pride ourselves on picking on everyone equally," he said.
"Former Prime Minister John Howdy was constantly criticised for his eyebrows, particularly when they started to freak out small children."
Thirsty Cow is fiction. Views expressed in this column may not be held by anybody.
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