‘I’m 33, male and still a virgin’
Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au's weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a 33-year-old virgin, a man who has been less than truthful with his new lover and a guy who is tired of defending his romance with a much younger woman.
HELP, I'M 33 AND STILL A VIRGIN
QUESTION: I'm 33, male and still a virgin. I don't have any religious or cultural reasons for never having had sex - I just haven't. I was a bit geeky and really studious at school and then university so it took a long time for me to notice girls - but then once I did I already felt so behind my peers experience-wise that I didn't feel like I had the moves to date, so I stuck my head in the sand for a while. Now I feel paralysed by it - like it's way too late to get going. My confidence is shot and at this stage I feel like I'm going to be a virgin forever. What do I do?
How refreshing to meet someone that hasn't just been focused on having a lot of short term relationships!
You're certainly not the only person to be a virgin at 33 - for whatever reason. I've worked with men and women in their 20s all the way through to people in their 40s who were virgins too.
It's definitely not too late to get started - dating or having sex.
I'm sure there's a lot that you would bring to a relationship. Intelligence, interesting conversation, a caring attitude. All of that is more important than sexual experience.
You don't need "moves to date". You just need to be a genuine human being. Dating is about getting to know people and discovering if you like each other. Sex can come later.
I was talking with some girlfriends earlier today about how some of us still like to take our time getting to know someone before sex is even considered. There are many women who'll appreciate not having sexual advances made on them on the first few dates.
RELATED: I feel threatened by my husband's ex
RELATED: My new husband doesn't want sex
Once you do meet someone you have a good connection with and you want things to go further, tell them about your lack of experience. The right person for you will be interested in far more than your sexual confidence or expertise. A mature way for her to handle it would be to offer understanding and guidance when it is your first time.
Women often feel embarrassed and lack confidence about sex too. Many would see it as a positive that you'll get to explore together and that you won't be comparing them to past partners. I'm sure many women will also appreciate that you haven't been chasing women for your own satisfaction.
There is a lot of good quality sex information available from experts online now. It might help build your confidence to do some research so you feel better equipped going into a relationship.
In my experience though, what women want someone who is going to be present, pay attention to them and focus on their pleasure (rather than just your own).
There are two additional options which could help.
1. See a Sexologist or Sex Therapist to get advice and tips on what to do. There won't be any nudity in the sessions, but they will likely use props to demonstrate and give you practical advice that can boost your confidence going into a sexual situation.
2. You could also see a sex worker who would give you experience and confidence being with a woman. There's also a lot you could "practice" with them without it leading to full intercourse, if you want to "save" that part for someone you have a romantic connection with. Just be sure to choose someone that you feel comfortable with and who understands your situation.
Please don't write off having an intimate or sexual relationship for the rest of your life. You have a lot to offer someone. Experienced can be gained as you go.
HOW DO I TELL MY NEW GIRLFRIEND ABOUT MY KIDS?
QUESTION: Things are going really well with my new girlfriend but I'm nervous about telling her that I have two kids. She knew I was married before but I didn't mention the kids until now - I didn't want to scare her off. Now I feel like she might think I've been lying to her, but I haven't!
ANSWER: Yes, she might feel like you've been lying to her, because you have been lying to her by omission. Not telling someone vital information that you know would be important to them is dishonesty.
Honestly, that's at least first date information. Ideally, you would actually let potential partners know this before you've even been on a date with them.
It's understandable that some women won't want the added complication of dating someone with children, but the right woman will.
Ultimately, you need to be with someone open and accepting of your children - and you're better knowing how they feel about children early on.
MY PARENTS THINK MY GIRLFRIEND IS WAY TOO YOUNG
QUESTION: I am a 30-year-old male and my parents are concerned my new partner is too young - she is 23 but mature for her age. How do I tell them to mind their own business?
ANSWER: It's okay for your parents to be concerned, but who you date is ultimately your decision.
A seven year age gap isn't very big. To put it in perspective, when you're 42, she'll be 35 and that isn't a big deal at all.
Try thanking your parents for their advice and their care for you, but also tell them this is your decision to make, so you'll continuing seeing her. You could also tell them that you hope they'll make an effort to get along with her for your sake.
If they continue to share their disapproval, tell them it isn't something you're willing to hear from them about anymore.