Nice moves, Lindsay.
Nice moves, Lindsay.

Bach stuns with humiliating stunt

ONE man's ulterior motive for being on The Bachelorette has been exposed with a humiliating stunt that spits in the face of Julia Stiles.

After declaring his goal for the next five years is to appear in the next instalment of the Step Up franchise, Ivan proceeds to perform a Justice Crew routine around the manicured grounds of the mansion.

We shudder and yell at our television screens: "Honey this is how you throw a party in Mykonos, bitch!"

If you don't understand what this iconic statement means, you need to use the internet more.

Everything about the stunt is mortifying. But what's most questionable is Ivan favours Step Up over Save The Last Dance. Everyone knows Save The Last Dance is a far superior film about edgy youths who love to dance.

This preference aside, the admission unearths something far more important - his real motive for being on the series. He's not here for love.

Ivan thinks he can just two-step his way into the finale and jazz-walk into the glamorous world of backup dancing for the likes of Jessica Mauboy and Samantha Jade.

But he has been busted. Not by Ali but by us. And we're not going to be charmed by choreography he learnt from a YouTube tutorial.

First though, Ali goes on a single date with Robert and they decide to paint their worst personal qualities on large canvases.

Soulmate.
Soulmate.

This is similar to my first date tactic. While other people list their most impressive qualities and the deal-breakers they won't tolerate in a relationship, I take the opposite approach. I list my worst qualities and point out deal-breaker characteristics that I personally exhibit.

As a busy gay, I don't have time to waste. I can't spend six to eight weeks pretending to be a decent person. The cracks inevitably appear. It's only a matter of time before I snap at the guy for being three minutes late even though I'm consistently late and sometimes even just forget to show up.

So this date between Ali and Robert is extremely proactive. They also kiss like I do on a first date.

Pro tip: use heaps of teeth.
Pro tip: use heaps of teeth.

Something we can all agree on is it's never hot to see men fighting. It's so gross. The only thing more unattractive than men fighting is men fighting while wearing novelty costumes. And that's what we get in tonight's group date. Usually we wouldn't bother discussing group dates because they're so lame - but we make mention of it now only because it leads us to the critical situation that exposes Ivan's ulterior motive.

He wins some private time and it all comes tumbling out.

"My dream is to be … um … OK … so I sorta want to be on Step Up," he shares.

And he's not even doing that thing I mentioned earlier about listing your bad qualities on the first date. He actually thinks this is a positive.

It just gets worse.

"I'd love to be in a Magic Mike movie with Channing Tatum," he shares.

r u fkng srs?
r u fkng srs?

This is a loaded revelation. One, we're humiliated to have heard it. Two, reason for coming on this show become immediately clear. The girls on The Bachelor usually get ripped apart for trying to use the series as a platform to launch gigs in media or as Instagram influencers. But the boys are just as bad.

We're already turned off. But then Ivan goes and makes it worse. He's determined to become a dance lead in the next instalment of the Step Up franchise and he tells Ali she can either step up or step off.

"I know there's a series shooting in Atlanta at the moment. So, you come with. Or you stay," he says.

She laughs in his face.

Um, I’ll stay, thanks.
Um, I’ll stay, thanks.

Ivan knows he has blown it. But if he has learnt anything from teen dance movies, it's that any outcome can be changed with the power of very modern choreography.

At the cocktail party, Charlie starts having a bitch fight with Bill which is totally boring until Ivan busts out from behind a hedge to impress Ali with his crumping skills.

Unless you’re Julia Stiles we’re not interested in your dance routine.
Unless you’re Julia Stiles we’re not interested in your dance routine.

Ivan needs to electric slide right out of here. But the circles he has danced around Ali leave her dazed and confused.

She gets rid of the random grandad and the guy with a man bun.

It doesn't make sense. Surely the white guy in the tank top who twerked has to go.

But, honey, this is Mykonos, bitch. And that's just how you party.

For more observations on Julia Stiles and hot chips, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Look they were going to go anyway.
Look they were going to go anyway.

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