Bach clinger flies into jealous rage
TWO frontrunners have fallen to the bottom within a single episode on The Bachelorette, with one confronting Ali in a jealous rage and the other blindsiding her with a cocky admission that leaves her winded.
She can only get rid of one. And the decision leaves her in tears.
More importantly though, on Wednesday night we find out one of the boys suffers from a hereditary perspiration condition and everyone in his family requires prescription deodorant.
We'd honestly watch an entire series about this very sweaty family.
There could be a whole episode where one of them has a job interview but to get there they have to drive a car that has been left out in the sun all day and when they put the airconditioning on it's just hot air and by the time they get to the meeting they're dripping and their outfit is now just a giant sweat patch.
Last week, one-time frontrunner Robert went and annoyed Ali. I forget what he did exactly but basically Ali's friends hated him and then he got all insulted and was very snippy. So this morning, the pair try to clear the air.
When Ali arrives at the mansion, Robert swings the door open and is very formal.
"Good to see you," he says firmly.
But the stoic facade doesn't last long. There are three things in this world Robert loves: his mum, his nonna and a fabulous outfit. Even though he's still annoyed, he can't help but acknowledge Ali's very stylish bomber.
"I like your jacket," he whispers.
He decides to guilt Ali by telling her he felt "confused and hurt" when her friends didn't like him and Ali feels incredibly bad and takes ownership of everything.
This guilt doesn't last long. As soon as they go inside to see the rest of the boys, Robert makes an arrogant move. He tells everyone he was planning on leaving Ali and taking himself out of the competition.
"After the last cocktail party, I was really in two minds about whether I'd stay or go. And I did have my bags packed ready to go. But I got that clarity today and I've decided to stay," he says.
Ali feels played. She looks like a fool and Robert comes out on top looking like the one calling the shots.
She has been positively blindsided by the nonna's boy in the cable knit sweater and she's annoyed.
"I'm sorry, what? He was gonna leave? I can't believe what I'm hearing. He didn't say anything like that to me," she fumes to us.
"Who does that? That's mean. That's like saying, 'Haha I got the reassurance I need. I'm sorted. Don't know about you guys'. To be honest I'm not impressed with Robert."
What we all admire about Ali is her resilience. She's been blindsided by toxic relationships before and she always pushes on. Out of everyone, she knows that sometimes, to get over your problems, you just have to strip off and roll around in a crocodile enclosure.
I'm not sure what this date is but they basically spend a whole day pretending to be Justice Crew. The only enjoyable thing about it is the fact Ivan - whose dream it is to be in a Step Up movie - would've adored this date but he got kicked out last week and is probably tap dancing for dollar coins outside a Westfield somewhere as we speak.
Somehow, Daniel is chosen as the best member of Justice Crew and scores some private time with Ali. Daniel's the one who - when his face flashes up on the screen for a split second each week - we say we've never seen before in our lives and then we laugh. Tonight, we actually see him and hear him talk and it's sad because now we can no longer joke that we've never seen him before in our lives.
This date is perfect. It's the kind of date where the banter is crackling and the conversation just flows naturally.
"Prosecco has no sulfites," Ali says, after about seven minutes of silence.
"Really?" Daniel replies.
There's a long pause. Ali continues.
"It's why I started drinking it," she offers.
"Yeah …" Daniel says, agreeing with her even though there's no way he'd have known this extremely dull fact.
" … So …" Ali says, as if she's about to offer something interesting but then doesn't.
"Well that's really exciting," Daniel lies.
As the conversation chugs to a stop, she reaches out and holds his hand. It's super sticky and moist.
"Bad circulation runs in the family. So if you think I sweat bad now, you should see my sisters," he says.
How humiliating. Now Australia knows Daniel's sisters probably need to buy prescription deodorant and they've probably spent far too many nights alone Googling the success rate of using Botox to seal sweat glands.
But that's enough about sweaty sisters. Someone who definitely doesn't sweat is Todd. He's very handsome and has a nose ring that we're all just choosing to not acknowledge. He also wears white jeans without looking like an idiot which is honestly a superpower.
Anyway, they kiss and we get to play our new favourite game where we try and guess who the exposed tongue belongs to.
When we return to the mansion and burst into the cocktail party, Charlie's annoyed. Ali's date with Todd has sent him over the edge and his clinger tendencies are in overdrive. He can't believe she keeps going on dates with different guys - it's almost like she's on a reality dating show.
"She's too spread," he snips.
"I'm confused how she's playing out. I'm worried she's gonna get it wrong.
"She needs to get this right. She actually does. This is her last chance at love and this is her method to do it. At this stage she needs to be fully invested in at least two people. But she's not doing that. She's like, six people, seven people - spread."
He can see we're uncomfortable with his overuse of the word "spread" so he says it again.
"She's still spreading her basket around," he huffs.
His jealous rage grows and he decides to confront Ali to tell her she's doing this show wrong.
She can't handle another one of her favourites getting cocky. So she slaps him down with three words.
"I've got this," she says firmly.
Charlie's been put in his place and Ali's gone cold. He can feel it.
"Something's gone wrong. We were the power couple here," Charlie tells us, and by "power couple" we assume he means like Geoffrey Edelsten and Gabi Grecko. "Things were going strong and for some reason, it's been lost."
In one episode, the show's two frontrunners have fallen to the bottom. Ali has started to see Charlie's possessive nature and his yen for the word "spread". And, yes, Robert loves fashion and he's nice to his mum but he also showed he's willing to pack his bags at the first sign of trouble.
She gives Charlie the rose.
Robert walks over to Ali and kisses her on the cheek. He's torn. He wants to show Ali he's not thrilled, but he also can't not acknowledge a fabulous outfit. So he compliments her dress.
As tears begin to fall, Ali wonders if she made the right decision. But at the door, Robert turns and throws a barb so vicious it proves Ali's choice was right.
"It would've looked better in navy," he snips.
For more observations on prescription deodorant and being an angry swamp monster, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir