Ugly brawl stuns Bachelorette pad
NOTHING'S more unsexy than two grown men fighting and, on Thursday night, we got four when a fistfight broke out in The Bachelorette mansion - which basically means there was a lot of scratching and shrieking.
If the boys had ponytails, they would've been pulled.
But what caused the fight? Jealousy? The prize of Ali's heart? Neither. The reason for the fight was embarrassing. More on that soon.
First, Ali's still annoyed that Charlie tried taking control last night and mansplained to her how this circus should roll.
"He came on way too strong. Who does Charlie think he is trying to tell me what to do?" she huffs to us.
Determined to take back control and show him who's boss, she invites him on a date at a boxing gym so she can get all Million Dollar Baby on him.
But it doesn't go to plan and they end up having sex.
Then Osher has to come along and ruin our fun by making us play a made up game. It's something that involves running around a stone maze and stealing things and the apocalypse and, honestly, Osher knows better than to organise activities involving words the boys can't pronounce.
The boys haven't been allowed out of the mansion in weeks and this outdoor game really goes to their heads. Testosterone pumps through their veins and they want to show Ali how strong and fast they are by winning Osher's made up games.
Everything spins out of control and, suddenly, Paddy and Charlie are in a brawl with Bill and Tate. And not just a funny sparring kind of brawl. They're actually laying into each other.
"I was pushing Paddy and his T-shirt starts to rip. So I just keep pulling and keep ripping it," Bill later admits.
Nothing's more embarrassing than watching two guys physically fight. It's so gross and unattractive. And four guys is worse.
Just when we think it's over, Bill and Tate run back and the brawl reignites.
"Paddy started throwing punches," Bill cries.
Osher's annoyed his made-up game isn't being taken seriously and gets all cranky.
"Guys stop that!" he scolds, but everyone ignores him because he's Osher and the brawl continues. "Cut that out!"
Ali runs over and tries to break it up but the guys can't hear her through all the squealing and hair pulling.
"Guys stop! Seriously! Stop!" she screams.
"Paddy was punching him in the stomach! The testosterone from Paddy and Charlie was just way too much for me. It actually shocked me."
After everyone is broken up, Osher gives us a choice. We can either all go home because of the bad behaviour of a particular few. Or Paddy and Charlie can leave and we can all continue on with part two of the date which involves a weird overnight sleepover.
Charlie and Paddy stare at the boys and hope they don't get left behind. It's like when your best friend gets kicked out of the bar for being too drunk and they give you a terrified look through the window pleading with you to come save them.
But friendships are overrated when there's more fun to be had so we ditch Paddy and Charlie and go to the sleepover.
It's super boring and Ali's looking for some action but she just won't admit it.
"I'm taking things slower this time. I'm really making sure I'm not only following my heart but thinking with my head," she informs us.
But when Tate asks her for some private time, she forgets all about this "moving slow" nonsense.
"We could just go to your bedroom …" she hints, but Tate doesn't pick it up and instead takes her to the patio.
Still, Ali doesn't mind a challenge. She simply steals a random doona and brings it with her.
Sharing the one patio chair, the pair get steamy underneath the blanket and then get busted when a possum sets off the patio motion sensor light.
Perhaps the quality we most admire in Ali is the fact she makes bold statements and then does the complete opposite. At the beginning of every episode, she insists she's not going to fall too easily and will go slow. But three seconds after making out on a deck chair with Tate, she changes her mind and acts like she never made such naive statements in the first place.
"I'm absolutely 100 per cent falling for you. And it scares me and excites me. You make my heart melt," she whispers to him.
It's in this moment the bushes begin to rustle. The patio's motion sensor lamp flashes back on. We're not alone. In perhaps the most terrifying scene we've ever witnessed, Bill lurches out from behind a sculpted hedge wrapped in his own gross doona.
When the cocktail party rolls around the following night, we're confused because everyone keeps mentioning something we've never heard before.
"Boys, boys, he's been taken to Morocco," Charlie booms when Ali takes Bill to some hidden patio for a chat. Everyone gets excited and starts whispering the phrase "Moroccan lounge" over and over.
This is the first we've ever heard of the "Moroccan lounge" and it's bizarre that everyone is now talking about it non stop like it's a thing when it's not. We decide what the things are and the Moroccan lounge is not a thing.
Charlie is more arrogant than ever tonight and our tipping point is when he keeps trying to wink but he doesn't realise he's just blinking both his eyes and not actually winking at all.
Because this show is becoming a total snooze, producers decide to get rid of two guys tonight which means we'll get to the home visits faster.
It comes down to Dan and Paddy and Todd and as if we don't know how this is gonna end.
Todd has Disney Prince hair and wears white jeans without looking like an idiot and, OK, he also unfortunately has a nose ring but we'll just keep taking it out in his sleep and eventually he'll get the picture.
Of course he gets through. He's fit, as a wise man once said. F.I.T. Fit.
For more observations on patio furniture and Apopo-lips, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir