My boyfriend 'sort of' raped me
I HAVE always had a clear view of what is and isn't rape - and never thought I'd let someone get away with doing it to me. But something happened with my boyfriend that blurred those lines and made me question myself.
Back when I was at uni, my boyfriend Kyle and I had an argument because he was jealous that some guys in a bar had been paying me some attention.
I didn't think much of it at the time - I chatted to them while we were playing pool and had a laugh, but there was no question I was going home with Kyle. By the time we got to my apartment, though, Kyle was fuming.
It wasn't that he thought I'd cheat, he said, it was that those guys might have thought - even for a moment - that they had a chance with me. He hated the idea that they thought about me like that. I didn't get why it mattered what those guys thought.
We'd been dating for about six months, and Kyle had always been the jealous type. It bugged me, and I told him so.
I told him not to be so insecure, and that I had no intention of cheating. I told him I didn't flirt with those guys, and that we were just chatting.
Eventually, things simmered down and Kyle said sorry for being so possessive. We'd both been drinking and I just wanted to go to sleep and forget the night ever happened.
I was relieved that we'd made up. I told Kyle I loved him, and that he was the only guy for me.
When Kyle kissed me, I responded, kissing him back. Things became intense quickly, with clothes flying everywhere. We ended up in bed, and we were about to have sex when I reminded Kyle to grab a condom. He said he didn't have any and that he'd just withdraw when the time came.
We'd never done that before, but I said okay and we started kissing again.
The sex was ordinary for me. Kyle pumped away on top of me, until I could tell he was about to reach orgasm. I told him to stop, to withdraw like he said he would, but he ignored me. I shouted "stop" twice but he didn't.
Kyle ejaculated inside me, even though I told him not to.
I was shocked and confused, and I could feel tears forming in my eyes but I didn't know what to say.
Kyle went to sleep almost immediately while I lay there next to him getting angrier and angrier as I thought about what he'd done.
I hardly slept that night but when Kyle woke up the next morning I told him I was upset about what he did the night before.
I said I felt violated and upset that he hadn't listened when I asked him to stop. Kyle flew off the handle, saying most couples who love each other actually like to have sex.
He said I may as well accuse him of being a rapist.
Looking back, I should have. But at the time, what he'd done hadn't sunk in yet.
I felt like crap all that day, and went to the chemist to get the morning after pill just to be sure.
I was relieved when Kyle sent me a text that evening saying sorry for what he'd done, and for being defensive.
He said he just loved me so much and wanted that level of intimacy with me.
I just wanted to put the whole thing behind me so I said okay.
I am ashamed to admit there was also a part of me that was flattered - that liked that Kyle felt that way about me. I thought that him wanting to own me was love. That was a long time ago now and I recognise the two are very different.
It wasn't me who eventually ended our relationship - it was the other way around. He said he couldn't see things working out between us. I found out he had a new girlfriend the next day.
I look back on that night and I realise what Kyle did was a kind of sexual assault. Consent can be withdrawn at any time and when I said stop he should have stopped.
I would never have gone to the police, but I want Kyle and guys like him to know it's not okay.
Nothing is black and white and I know that sometimes decent people do shitty things in the heat of a moment.
That moment hasn't defined me and I don't think it defined Kyle either. But I do hope that sometimes he reflects on that night and feels sorry.
QUEENSLAND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SERVICES