IN one of the most embarrassing moments yet on Married At First Sight, a groom has taunted his wife in that voice you use to mimic your younger sibling when they yell they're going to tell mum.
After the infamous "boys' night" - where Andrew talked smack about Cheryl behind her back before getting sleazy about her boobs - the experts have dubbed their relationship a "crisis" and suggest an "extreme" course of action by putting them in lockdown in a "relationship bootcamp".
It's basically just several days of Andrew and Cheryl talking about what they don't like about each other in passive aggressive tones and it really doesn't seem to help. If the experts really wanted to challenge them with a relationship bootcamp, they should've just booked them a room at one of those super fancy boutique hotels where the toilet and shower are right in the bedroom with no wall surrounding anything. It always looks sexy on the website but any couple who survives a weekend with a non-enclosed bedroom toilet is seriously in it for the long haul.
As the couples get ready for the weekly dinner party, everyone is wondering whether all the action from the "boys' night" will be brought up and cause a fight.
"I'm not one to make a scene at a dinner party," Cheryl tells us while brushing her hair, precisely one hour before she turns up at the dinner party to make a scene.
"Boys are boys," Andrew tells us defensively. We hear this phrase thrown around a lot as if it's a legitimate excuse for acting like a wang and it's highly irritating.
Cheryl and Andrew are the last couple to arrive at the dinner party and they separate as soon as they enter. If Andrew even looks over at Cheryl, she walks further away to get a sausage roll.
They hate each other and it's toxic.
Over dinner, Andrew ignores Cheryl and embarks on a lengthy discussion with the twins about their mixed netball team. It is not interesting for Cheryl, or us.
"They say they're going to commit and then they don't - we all know people like that," Andrew says about people on their netball team, taking a not-at-all subtle dig at Cheryl at the same time. "I'm not talking about anyone here, but I got friends who say they would commit to it," he adds, looking wide-eyed at Cheryl.
Cheryl keenly observes his comments may be directed at her.
"Andrew's definitely not acting like a 38-year-old," she says. "He's acting so immature. He's embarrassing me and embarrassing himself."
Everyone seems a little more drunk than usual.
Jesse, the adult toddler, is distressed that Michelle has no sexual interest in him so he tries to test out a stand-up routine about how to fake your own death before claiming to be a celebrity from "Soov-lark-eee-argh!"
He's hammered and it's mortifying.
Nadia's also drunk and suddenly starts trying to convince Sharon she's in love with Anthony by growling stuff life: "Mmmm he's a maaaan, you know. He's a real maaan".
In case you've forgotten, this is Anthony:
Clearly this party is already a mess, so Andrew kicks it up a gear by talking about all the celebrities he'd like to bang.
"Have you got a pen? I need top write a long list of green card girls" he slurs to the waiter.
"Is this gonna cause a tiff?" he probes Cheryl, who informs everyone she'd be in trouble if she behaved the way Andrew is.
"You're so full of sh*t, ay," he says, shutting her down in front of the table.
Andrew then starts doing that thing you do to your younger sibling by repeating everything they say, but in a stupid voice to make them sound like an idiot.
"When have you ever heard me speak in that tone of voice? Loike dat. I nev-ah speak loike dat," he taunts her, trying to mimic her voice.
The experts react appropriately.
"OK now he's getting really nasty," expert Mel Schilling notes.
After they go back and forth about who doesn't care enough, Cheryl brings up the events of "boys night". Andrew continues to play dumb about what went on during that now-infamous night, so Cheryl zones in on Nick for a full-blown interrogation.
"Ummm," Nick offers, unsure of what Cheryl already knows.
Andrew tries to shut down Cheryl's raid.
"Here's the thing, Cheryl: You've got no idea about what happened on the boy's night."
The couple spirals into another bickering match about who's talking with an accusatory tone (they both are).
"Not once have I not had your back," he tells her. "(At the commitment ceremony) I wrote 'leave' when you wrote 'stay' and I still make more effort than you. I start the conversations. I start the jokes. You don't do anything - you don't even care."
Suddenly it's turned into an argument about who comes up with better jokes and just when I think I can't keep up with this kind of pace, Andrew goes back to mimicking Cheryl in a funny voice.
Andrew insists there was no "bagging out" of Cheryl at the boys' night. But Sean begs to differ.
"There was a lot there throughout the night that was bagging out Cheryl and putting Cheryl down," Sean tells the group.
Suddenly, Andrew becomes a cast member from Save The Last Dance and tells Sean he's "trippin' bro".
Sean then drops one of the dirtier comments that came out of "boys' night".
"There was a lot of banter about Cheryl and then (there was) a comment ... something about Lauren and Cheryl. That (it's) good for Jonesy now he can have threesomes with them."
Susan gets so turned on by Sean standing up for Cheryl she has to stop everything immediately to make out with him.
Andrew sinks deeper and he tries to fight it by being even more defensive and blaming everyone else.
"Cheryl you haven't had my back from day dot so I don't even give a sh*t anymore," he says.
When Sharon suggests Andrew should just apologise to Cheryl to end the madness, Andrew refuses.
"Hell no," he spits.
This ugly night has collapsed into a burning heap and Andrew and Cheryl's relationship has been torn down with it.
Suddenly, spending the night with your significant other in a hotel room with a non-enclosed bedroom toilet doesn't seem so bad.
For more observations on low-key Facebook stalking and Soov-lark-eee-argh, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir
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