‘No other family has a poop knife?!’
YOU'LL never look at cutlery the same again. Also, sorry.
Fair warning: this is grosser than finding a pile of steaming turds on the windowsill, grosser than doing a pedicure on fungus-infected toenails.
We should have known not to venture into a Reddit post created by one LearnedButt, but we're curious souls.
Please, share our pain.
"Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet"
There's really no way to tell this story except directly from the LearnedButt's mouth.
"My family poops big," LearnedButt wrote. "Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap.
"If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.
"Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poo knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room only to be used for that purpose."
Wait, what purpose? We're begging you not to tell us that you used a knife that hung IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM ON A HOOK for cutting up your turds like they were freaking gourmet sausage!?!?
"I thought it was standard kit, next to the toilet plunger"
Ready to keep going?
"It was normal enough to walk through the hallway and have someone call out 'hey, can you get me the poop knife?'he explains.
"I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife."
Standard kit should also have included lots of tissue to wipe your face after you threw up in your mouth.
"Hey mate, can you please grab me your poo knife?"
So LearnedButt made it all the way to 22 years old assuming that everyone had a poo knife. He'd never heard anyone talking about a poo knife, but maybe that was because pooing is a private thing, reserved for discussions with toddlers and complete strangers on Reddit.
"Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife."
"It turns out that none of them had poop knives"
"'My what?'he friend asks - understandably perplexed - and presumably aghast.
"'Your poop knife,' I says. 'I need to use it. Please.'"
"Wtf is a poop knife?" the friend asked quite horrified.
You know, if we'd gone through our entire lives not knowing the answer to that question, we'd have surely died happy.
LearnedButt goes on. "I explain what it is I want and why I want it.
"He starts giggling. Then laughing."
"Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turned out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my f**ked up family with their f**ked up bowels. FML."
ALWAYS discuss things like poo knives before getting married
LearnedButt is married and when he told his wife, she laughed until she remembered they had a knife like that hanging in their utility closet.
"It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes, " he reveals.
"She will be getting her own utility knife now."
Here's a suggestion to our large-turded friend: perhaps a disposable, biodegradable solution (bamboo takeaway knives perhaps) is better than cutting up poo with a rusty knife and then what - rinsing the poo off in the sink? In the toilet?? - and hanging said knife on the wall.
THROW THE THING AWAY! Don't leave it for your hapless wife to use to open up her latest package from Oprah's freaking Book Club!!!