Abshot calls for Spanish Inquisitions

Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. We recommend reading by an immature audience. It contains glib commentary on important issues and frequent sloppy language.
Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. We recommend reading by an immature audience. It contains glib commentary on important issues and frequent sloppy language.

THE Federal Opposition has called for the introduction of Spanish Inquisitions to avoid it having to ask for three new full inquiries every week.

Last week the Coalition called for full inquiries into carbon trading, taxation, flood-crisis funding, youth allowance and navy beans.

It also called the Independent Member for Lyne Rob Buckshot a princess and called for an inquiry into the thickness of his skin.

So far, the Opposition has asked for 1763 inquiries since the last election.

The government has agreed to approximately none of these.

Opposition Leader Tony Abshot said, as an opposition leader, all he could really do was attack the government, poke fun at Independent members, call photo opportunities at nursing homes and ask for full inquiries.

“After a while even attacking the government becomes a bit cumbersome,” he said.

“I've tried calling on the Prime Minister to resign but it doesn't usually work. Sometimes I call people unAustralian, but that just upsets the migrants and creates a glut of lamb ads.”

Mr Abshot said he wasn't really sure what a full inquiry was.

“Off the record, I've never really called for a partial inquiry or an empty inquiry,” he said.

“For all I know the whole concept of a full inquiry might be bulldust, like hard hats at press conferences and fine print on car park signs.”

Mr Abshot said Spanish Inquisitions could be assembled quickly and their chief weapon was surprise.

“The two weapons would be fear and surprise, surprise and fear, and ruthless efficiency,” he said. “That might be three. What I mean is among our weaponry would be fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope and John Howard.”

Prime Minister Julia Gizzard said she had not expected Mr Abshot to call for a Spanish Inquisition. Mr Abshot said nobody ever expected a Spanish Inquisition.

“I'm proposing that the Spanish Inquisition would arrive at the homes of ministers and bureaucrats at night when they were off-guard and in their pyjamas,” he said.

Democracy researcher Dr Bernardo Salter said Spanish Inquisitions could not replace the full inquiry.

“Every full inquiry ever conducted has concluded that the system is a total debacle,” he said.

“This causes tremendous relief. It allows society to say, ‘no wonder we cocked up, the system is a total debacle'.”

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